Jeff slammed the kitchen door, threw his lunch pail with a clatter and stomped into the living room where the TV suddenly blared. Past experience taught Sara not to say a word, so she gave him a quick wave at the living room doorway. He grunted and channel surfed as if his life depended it. She didn’t dare ask a question when he was upset if she wanted a healthy relationship.
Sara had begun to study what “works” between herself and Jeff and do more of that instead of repeating the same negative patterns. First she eliminated anything that made him bark at her.
If you wrangle over the same issue time and again and can’t resolve the conflict, it can destroy a healthy relationship. Are you ready for something different, a method that can turn everything around? The first step is a biggie: Accept his feelings. For Sara that also meant, Don’t ask questions. Don’t offer advice. Don’t “make better.”
When Jeff is in a good mood, it’s easy for Sara to respond with acceptance. She celebrates his success with him, reflecting back what he feels.
It’s harder accept when his mood is terrible, but it’s crucial for their healthy relationship. “I want to kill my boss!” can be upsetting to hear. She bites her tongue on words like, “Don’t say that!” or “Why on earth?”
Negative Pattern Blasters That Work Like Magic!
1. Listen quietly and attentively.
Absorb what he says and how he says it so you can understand the feeling behind it. Don’t take what he says personally, even if he shouts that something is all your fault. You’ll see why in a minute.
2. Acknowledge his feeling by saying “Oh,” or “Mmm,” or “I see.”
That’s not enough, you might think. Surely you need to reason with him? No. Just be a sounding board, absorb, absorb. You’re not agreeing with his feeling. You’re acknowledging his feeling.
3. Give the feeling a name.
Is it anger, frustration, maybe indignation? “You seem angry,” she says. You lose no points if you guess wrong–he’ll gladly tell you and provide more information. “No, I’m just sick and tired of him changing what he wants every five minutes. I can’t stand it. He’s making me as crazy as he is.”
4. Give him his wish in fantasy.
“I wish I could give you the world’s best boss right now.”
Of course, she can’t, but what happens next can be amazing. Once he feels heard, he can get past the feeling and start thinking more clearly. Next thing you know he can work creatively on solutions.
With practice, this way of accepting all feelings can become a way of life with undreamed-of rewards besides a healthy relationship. Jeff might use the listening technique and create a healthy relationship with his boss or gains skills that get him a better job offer.
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